What happens when we die?

I am having a terrible time dealing with what happens when we die.  Lately, it just seems to be something I keep thinking about.  I wish we knew.  I wish it was easy...we go here, there...somewhere.  We continue to exist.  My fears grow every day that we no longer exist and I don't exist...I can't imagine it no matter how hard I try. 
I can't imagine not existing.  I can't imagine being no longer my soul, if that makes sense. 

Dental issues after cancer

Yep.  It can happen.
It is happening to me.

Last night, my mom asked if it was from the cancer, chemo, or just from my genes/oral hygiene.  I have a feeling its a combo of all of that.
But, can I express that I had daily chemo and lots of it...both IV and orally.  During that time, I used a sponge or a baby toothbrush (no joke) and could not floss or use listerine.  I only used Biotene when I could tolerate the taste (let's make that another topic for another day).  The chemo's main goal was to kill off my blood production so my bone marrow would reset, so to speak.  I would stop making platelets, hemoglobins, and especially we wanted my ANC to drop to as close to zero as possible.  I really feel this played a big part in my dental issues today.

Hits out of nowhere

Woke up this morning feeling like crap.  A cold is coming on quick. Last night, I woke up and felt like something hard was in my throat, and I just couldn't clear it.  It hurt and my sinuses feel full.

This morning, my eyes are watery, don't want to stay open, and I am exhausted.

My head is a bit achy, I'm sniffling and blowing my nose.

This is not good.

I can't get sick.  I'm not up for another month of being sick.

Everyone always asks about my numbers, because "my numbers" were an important gauge on my health at the time.  Guess what?  My numbers have been stellar for quite some time.  However, just because I have a decent white count, it doesn't mean they know what to do!  I feel like my immune system is there, but they are loafers...just not working like they should!

Stay Strong, Shannen Doherty, many of us know exactly what you are going through.

http://www.today.com/health/shannen-doherty-s-breast-cancer-has-spread-unknown-scariest-part-t101358

The article popped in my feed on Facebook and Yahoo! the last few days.  Shannen Doherty has breast cancer, and the pictures of her losing her hair, looking fragile and thin, and the worst news for anyone...the cancer has spread.

Its all over ET (Entertainment News), Yahoo! Bing, MSN, Today.com, facebook, twitter, and GMA (Good Morning America).  The sad thing is I was in high school when Beverly Hills, 90210 made its way into pop culture.  I was a freshman, with long dark brown straight hair and blunt bangs.  I had big plump lips and big eyebrows.  I felt like Brenda Walsh...in a new world...high school in Northwest Indiana in 1990.  Life was good and everything was new.  The digital age was coming, and nintendo and Sega Genesis were all the rage.  MTV still showed music videos (well, now we will have Classic MTV soon, right?).
I grew up with Brenda Walsh and then I became an adult while Shannen played on Charmed.  People my age can relate.  I fought leukemia, so I can relate on another level.

My heart goes out to not just Shannen, but her family as well. My heart goes to everyone who has been affected by cancer.  Family, friends, patients, caregivers...

In fact, today, I talked to my good friend, Sonda.  She is wonderful, we met when we both worked for the same real estate company, practically ten years years ago.  Today, Sonda has her own daycare she runs.  She is passionate about life, God, and her family...and I feel the same, so today was a great day, because I got to talk to my friend, whom I adore.
She reminded me to trust God, he got me this far.  He blessed me so many times, why would he have me go through all I went through with my leukemia, just to let me get trapped up in my own fears...the fears of relapse, the unknown, other health issues, more cancer...you name it...why would that be?  She is right.  I hold a fear of the unknown very strongly...and it keeps me from doing even greater things in my life.

That has to stop today.  I need to put that fear aside and become fearless.

Suck it up, buttercup!  

PS
Shannen: If you read this, hang in there!  It's not fun, regardless of what type of cancer you have--- chemo every day like me or once every week or two weeks...it sucks and we are not ourselves, but we are in warrior training through it.  I feel its like a conscious coma, we are going through the actions, we know what's going on, but its surreal and when its done, you won't think it was that bad.  What happens to our bodies makes us think we are experiments--- that we pay for.  Insurance companies are headaches and nightmares that we think about daily.  We miss a lot and we feel like a dish in the china cabinet everyone is afraid to touch----like we might break.  People you love will be scared to come near you or even touch you....why, for various reasons.  Don't let that break you--- be strong, be you.  You are not alone, and you will get through it.

sometimes we all need a little inspiration!

Have a great day, and be sure to be unstoppable in all you do!

Skin cancer from tattoo ink? Hot in the news

When I was 20 years old, I foolishly got a tattoo.  Granted, it's small in size, about one square inch that I firmly believed in at that time.  I still do, but I realized in the past 20 years that I didn't need it to define me.  I think I spent $20 for this small tattoo, placed on my foot.  At least I was smart enough to place it wear it would not be seen 98% of the time.  Most people would not know Or guess I had a tattoo...especially for that long. Half my life.  Wow.  But, I can't imagine how I will feel 20 more years down the road (if I live that long).  God only knows.

This week, I saw some news about possible risks and links from tattoo inks and skin cancer, or melanomas.  So, as always, I wanted more news. Am I a researcher? No.  But, I did find a few articles online, including the original one that scared me--


The Original Article that scared me (Independent.co.uk)

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2016/07/26/tattoo-ink-may-be-toxic-study-suggests.html

Article on Washington Post (older article!)

https://cjon.ons.org/sites/default/files/D27117T693777KV0_first.pdf

https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/are-tattoos-safe-cancer-risk/

Great Article from Skincancer.org about tattoo ink/possible carcinogens

If you are now more confused, well, so am I.  Does it make sense that a poorly made, cheap ink that will stay in my skin forever may cause cancer of some type?  Well, putting it that way...yes, it does make sense.  Have people been getting tattoos for centuries?  Yes, they have.  But, the general life expectancy of a human today is higher than it was 100 years ago.  Albeit, it might be slightly higher in comparison, but it's still higher.  Plus, civilized populations, like us generally have a higher expectancy than 3rd world countries.  So, here's my thinking: many third world countries and tribal groups is what I think about when it comes to tattoos a long time ago, and they used natural ingredients from plants and such.  I will say I'm not sure if their inks are safer or different than pigmented inks we use here in the states...I'm sure they are manufactured differently and we have many colors of the rainbow, some look almost unnatural.  I could be way off, but their life expectancy is less...and do we know why?  Who knows?
I may be more confused now, but I'm gathering that when it comes to cancer, we may have herietary tendencies, in our genes, fluke accidents, like I believe mine was, or we expose and put stuff into our bodies that do its toll.  Like using cheap gas or premium gas in your car.  Does it truly make it last longer? Does it prevent it from having issues or breaking down?  The only way to truly know that answer is to have 2 exactly the same cars drive in the same places, get the same work done to them, and use one with unleaded and one super plus gasoline, and who can do that?
It's late, I'm tired, I've been up thinking about this for a few hours.  Ultimately, I fear what we do to our bodies is cumulative, and I wish my stupid self took note of that a long time ago.
We can't go back in time, but we can try our best today.

Make it count, don't worry too much, but live your life fully.

Feeling Blessed by helping others

I have been blessed yesterday and today.

Yesterday, I was able to make some peanut butter cookies to take to the chemo bar.  No appointment, I'm great, but I just wanted to surprise those sitting there getting their meds on a hot and muggy Monday.

I think it was well received.

Today, I was walking a neighborhood, doorknocking and handing out flyers. I had no work appointments, so I thought it would be okay to spend an hour trying to drum up some business.  Going from one door to another, a little elderly lady yelled from across the street, "Miss, can you help me?"

She was attached to a portable oxygen machine and was struggling to get her groceries out of her trunk.  Today was cooler than the last few days, but it was still in the mid to upper 80s.  Turns out she has COPD and a few other issues...and every time she talked it sounded like she was out of breath.  

I carried her groceries inside, set everything on the counter and helped her attach to her big oxygen machine in the living room.  As we were talking and chatting, she reached over to give me a big hug and tell me that I really made her day.  She doesn't have any family around here and its pretty lonely.

I feel like she was the reason I had no appointments and decided to go knock on doors in that neighborhood to see if anyone wanted to sell their home.  She was the only reason, even though my sweaty self was able to hand out 15 flyers (market updates in that neighborhood) and have 3 really good conversations in less than 2 hours.  

The rash is clearing up!

Today and yesterday have been glorious!  Very little itchies!!  The rash is still there, and the two mother patches from my pityriasis rosea are still big and crusty, but my skin is not as itchy and nerve-wrecking!!  This is a wonderful feeling!!

FYI-- my skin is super dry though, and some of the rashy spots are feeling scaly and look dry.  This might be them starting to heal??  what do you think??

Attack of another Rash-- this one explained Pityriasis Rosea

Pityriasis Rosea

a small sample of the rash on my abdomen.

About four weeks ago, I developed an itchy pink spot on my lower abdomen. About the size of my thumb, it was oval shaped, very pink, very itchy.

I immediately thought I ate something or used a product I shouldn't have...with all my allergies, of course that 's the first thing that comes to mind.  

Hydro-cortisone cream doesn't work.  I tried Neosporin.  Nothing.  The itchy spot remained.  I decided the next step would be the dermatologist.  

Two weeks go by, and a few days before my appointment, I wake up to a bunch of bumps on my abdomen and chest that look like mosquito bites.  They are raised and itch like mosquito bites, too.  I thought one went wild on me like a buffet in the night.  

Then, I saw Dr Laura.  She looked at me and smiled.  "That's a mother patch!"  

She explained I have Pityriasis Rosea.  Its believed to be caused by a virus, but its kinda unknown.   There is no cure, it goes away after some time.  She asked if I needed more cortisone cream and sent me on my way, expecting it to be gone in another 3-6 weeks time.

Of course, we are 1.5 weeks from seeing Dr Laura, and I am still a crazy itchy person that just wants relief.  I've hit a bunch of websites, looking for home remedies and cures that helped others like me.  Granted, I know I have a weak immune system, even though my "numbers" are good.  PR is a mother of a rash.  I have 2 mother or herald patches, bigger than the others, not really raised, but a bit flaky.   Surrounding my entire body from my knees to my ears are little itchy pink bumps.  Warm water, soap, and sweat/exercise seem to make them stick out more, feel more itchy, and make them more red.  So, my pimple-dotted pits do not see deodorant right now.  I take cool showers.  I try to wear little clothing, because seams and hems tend to rub against my skin and really get me itchy.  

It sucks.  The pamphlet I got at the doc's office says it will go away on its own, but really I just have to put up with it!  

So,, that's what I'vMe been up to.  How about you?  I noticed when I itch too much the skin breaks, and I end up with little scabs.  This is not contagious, by the way.  I got it from something, but not another person.  It looks awful because it is awful.  Looks like no swimming pools until this clears up for me.

Vampires!

I have been himming and hawing for awhile on what to write about my dreams...I know I mentioned previously that my first couple of weeks in the hospital, I had dreams about vampires, and everything was dark and greenish in those dreams.  I slept a lot-- and sometimes the nurses didn't wake me while taking my vitals and blood.  I had an external port that had 3 tubes that stuck out of my chest for easy access to give me IV bags, medicine, and take blood.

The dreams really haven't stopped.  I'm not cured, but I'm in remission.  No drugs for cancer right now (lol, everything I take is for the after effects of chemo and cancer).