Sunday, July 19, 2020

Waiting for a loved one to pass

Its 11 am on a rainy, stormy, lightening filled Sunday.
My cousin, Marie, has been fighting lung cancer and now brain cancer for a few years.  She came home from the hospital on Friday a hospice situation.  Her body is shutting down and she is worn.
I thought it would happen yesterday.  I read a slew of texts Saturday morning saying Marie was dying, pray for her.  It was not the news I wanted to read as I began my day of showing houses.
I cried and was very upset.  I was sad.  I still am sad.  I called Marie's cell phone and heard her voice say, "This is Marie. Leave a message."  I said I love you after that beep.  She might never hear it.
I called her sister, my other cousin.  I asked a lot of questions and tried to be brief, I can't even imagine what she is going through.
I waited.
As much as I want to see her, I feel like she is too far away and there is too much of her immediate family there, plus sounds like disagreements on how to handle this.  Marie knew she was terminal since day one.  she was a nurse, and an oncology nurse, too.  She pre-arranged her funeral.  Now its time for her family to respect her wishes, that is one of my concerns.
Again, its Sunday.  I'm waiting for my cousin to die.  I cried so much yesterday, I felt such a strong sorrow yesterday.  Today, I want her suffering over.  I want her to pass peacefully and I don't want her to be a morphine filled body for a week or two, while her kidneys are shutting down and she is yellow with black purple and blue marks all over her body.  That is not my cousin Marie.
Marie was always the styled older cousin that was super smart, driven, fashionable...someone to be mad at yet look up to.  She bossed us like a mother, she was a babysitter to us.  She was the epitome of popularity in my mind, style, and smarts.  So pretty and well spoken.  The complete opposite of me.  I loved her and hated her for it.  But, I always loved her.
I'm scared to die.  No secret there. I don't like waiting for someone to pass away,either.  I want to try to fight for her, but there is no fighting for life now.  Besides, this is what she wanted.
Her daughter, her mom and dad, and her brother and sister have to deal with so much more right now.  I am somber and anxious and hoping the call comes soon.  Once she passes, everyone can begin to heal.  They can be happy for the good times with her, and they can be thankful for all the time she had, which was so much more than what they initially thought.  She is a fighter.  The feelings right now suck, though.  The nervous weirdness in my mind and body suck.  I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want her to die or to be gone.
I pray for her and I pray for us.