Friday, February 9, 2018

5 years since becoming a vampire.

This is a hard time of year for me.  Its been five years since it happened.  Its been five years since my life changed in what felt like an instant.
I refer to it (to myself, of course) as when I became a vampire.

Think about it.  I was dying.  I had maybe two days of life left in me.  Then, I was rushed to a big hospital in a major area to be treated. I was given blood or blood products daily.  I became very sensitive to light, sound, and my taste buds changed dramatically.  My appearance changed, skin became pale and pink, dry, and I lost a ton of weight.  Without receiving blood, I would die.  My sleep patterns changed.  Everything changed.  I had dreams of being chased by vampires nightly in that hospital.

Sure, it might be a modern interpretation of an old tale.  I'm one who has always been scared of vampires.  Even after I realized I was becoming one. 

To this day, I still think I am a modern day vampire.  The sun and bright light gives me instant headaches.  I wear prescription sunglasses even on cloudy days, and sometimes, in stores.  My senses are so acute, it drives me and my boyfriend nuts (I almost said Batty, no pun intended).  I get dehydrated easily, my blood sugar can fluctuate at odd times.  My tastes have changed, I crave more meats than before.  I sleep a lot...and take 2 hour naps during the day.  
Hey, its 4 am and I am up.  I will go back to sleep around 5:30 or so until 7 am.  
Even though I don't require blood, I get my blood tested and I still am so concerned about my numbers.

Here is the other thing: I am ridiculously scared of death.  I know we will all die.  I don't like that, and I am so worried about what happens after you die.  I will be faced with that eventuality, and I deal with those feelings and concerns daily, but I don't like it.  I want to live so badly, I can't explain it.

I've also become more of an introvert now than ever before. I do speak my mind and possess a different confidence, but in a stand offish kinda way.  Does that make sense?  I'm not shy to speak my mind, and I'm not looking for friends. I keep to myself.

I thought this would be a happy time, but this week I woke with a sore inside my mouth and again thought the worst.  I'm sure it was a cut from eating potato chips with my nieces the day before.  Its healing just fine.  That first day it was sore and noticeable, I was genuinely scared.  I kept it to myself, but it consumed my thoughts that day.

So no, I don't drink blood.  I look and feel the scar every day that became the entryway for me to receive my blood and chemo (my port scar).  I can't handle sunny days or very light reflective days because my eyes are sensitive from 2 years of Tretenoin pills.  My skin is crazy because I have allergies.  My nose is sensitive because I lost protective linings in my sinus cavities as a result of chemo.  I sleep a lot and at weird times because my body is tired and it gets tired faster now...when I was in chemo I would sleep 18-20 hours/day at times.  But, sometimes I sure feel like a vampire, because I am scared to die.