February 2 is coming quickly

That will be my four year anniversary.
Its very scary to think of that.  At the beginning of the year, I had a cut on my tongue.  It was like a paper cut on my tongue, with a nasty flap of skin that hurt like a mother.
It hurt for about a week, and I went to see the doctor.  She had no idea what it was, at that point the flappy part was wrinkly and white, because it was kinda dying and drying out.

She wanted me to see a specialist and mentioned the word "biopsy".

I couldn't sleep that night.

I had the fear in me that I was sick again...this was the beginning of it all...again.

I honestly couldn't sleep or think for about 24 hours, but then, the salt water rinses started to help.  The pain got less.  The bump got smaller.  I could talk without pain.
I felt like an idiot.
A complete and utter idiot.

Try telling someone this story that hasn't had a crazy illness or fought for their life.  Try telling a story of how a bump and cut on your tongue led you to think you were going to die and think they believe you.  They won't.  They won't get it.  People won't even validate your feelings.  You are over-reacting. You are silly.
Am I?  Am I?  What happened to me is sheer luck. I am alive today.  But, the feeling of being deathly afraid of getting sick again...its real and its dark.  It is a mindgame.  I know that, but I can't shake it.

I can't seem to get over it.

I am utterly grateful to be alive and I sincerely try to give it my all each day, albeit I am still tired a lot.  I try to savor moments and I sometimes take it for granted, still, but I feel that's living.

When it comes right down to it, though, I am still scared out of my wits to get a new car, have a car payment, buy things, or even work too hard...because if it happens again...then what?

My head is a scary place.

How do you deal with it?  What advice can you give?  This is the time of year when every hot flash and night sweat has me nervous.  A cut on my tongue put me in a mind meld last week--- I didn't talk to anyone about it, either...it made me think awful thoughts.  I even thought I shouldn't put BD through this again.

I need a vacation from my head at this time of year.  Its too much.

Stay Strong, Shannen Doherty, many of us know exactly what you are going through.

http://www.today.com/health/shannen-doherty-s-breast-cancer-has-spread-unknown-scariest-part-t101358

The article popped in my feed on Facebook and Yahoo! the last few days.  Shannen Doherty has breast cancer, and the pictures of her losing her hair, looking fragile and thin, and the worst news for anyone...the cancer has spread.

Its all over ET (Entertainment News), Yahoo! Bing, MSN, Today.com, facebook, twitter, and GMA (Good Morning America).  The sad thing is I was in high school when Beverly Hills, 90210 made its way into pop culture.  I was a freshman, with long dark brown straight hair and blunt bangs.  I had big plump lips and big eyebrows.  I felt like Brenda Walsh...in a new world...high school in Northwest Indiana in 1990.  Life was good and everything was new.  The digital age was coming, and nintendo and Sega Genesis were all the rage.  MTV still showed music videos (well, now we will have Classic MTV soon, right?).
I grew up with Brenda Walsh and then I became an adult while Shannen played on Charmed.  People my age can relate.  I fought leukemia, so I can relate on another level.

My heart goes out to not just Shannen, but her family as well. My heart goes to everyone who has been affected by cancer.  Family, friends, patients, caregivers...

In fact, today, I talked to my good friend, Sonda.  She is wonderful, we met when we both worked for the same real estate company, practically ten years years ago.  Today, Sonda has her own daycare she runs.  She is passionate about life, God, and her family...and I feel the same, so today was a great day, because I got to talk to my friend, whom I adore.
She reminded me to trust God, he got me this far.  He blessed me so many times, why would he have me go through all I went through with my leukemia, just to let me get trapped up in my own fears...the fears of relapse, the unknown, other health issues, more cancer...you name it...why would that be?  She is right.  I hold a fear of the unknown very strongly...and it keeps me from doing even greater things in my life.

That has to stop today.  I need to put that fear aside and become fearless.

Suck it up, buttercup!  

PS
Shannen: If you read this, hang in there!  It's not fun, regardless of what type of cancer you have--- chemo every day like me or once every week or two weeks...it sucks and we are not ourselves, but we are in warrior training through it.  I feel its like a conscious coma, we are going through the actions, we know what's going on, but its surreal and when its done, you won't think it was that bad.  What happens to our bodies makes us think we are experiments--- that we pay for.  Insurance companies are headaches and nightmares that we think about daily.  We miss a lot and we feel like a dish in the china cabinet everyone is afraid to touch----like we might break.  People you love will be scared to come near you or even touch you....why, for various reasons.  Don't let that break you--- be strong, be you.  You are not alone, and you will get through it.

Skin cancer from tattoo ink? Hot in the news

When I was 20 years old, I foolishly got a tattoo.  Granted, it's small in size, about one square inch that I firmly believed in at that time.  I still do, but I realized in the past 20 years that I didn't need it to define me.  I think I spent $20 for this small tattoo, placed on my foot.  At least I was smart enough to place it wear it would not be seen 98% of the time.  Most people would not know Or guess I had a tattoo...especially for that long. Half my life.  Wow.  But, I can't imagine how I will feel 20 more years down the road (if I live that long).  God only knows.

This week, I saw some news about possible risks and links from tattoo inks and skin cancer, or melanomas.  So, as always, I wanted more news. Am I a researcher? No.  But, I did find a few articles online, including the original one that scared me--


The Original Article that scared me (Independent.co.uk)

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2016/07/26/tattoo-ink-may-be-toxic-study-suggests.html

Article on Washington Post (older article!)

https://cjon.ons.org/sites/default/files/D27117T693777KV0_first.pdf

https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/are-tattoos-safe-cancer-risk/

Great Article from Skincancer.org about tattoo ink/possible carcinogens

If you are now more confused, well, so am I.  Does it make sense that a poorly made, cheap ink that will stay in my skin forever may cause cancer of some type?  Well, putting it that way...yes, it does make sense.  Have people been getting tattoos for centuries?  Yes, they have.  But, the general life expectancy of a human today is higher than it was 100 years ago.  Albeit, it might be slightly higher in comparison, but it's still higher.  Plus, civilized populations, like us generally have a higher expectancy than 3rd world countries.  So, here's my thinking: many third world countries and tribal groups is what I think about when it comes to tattoos a long time ago, and they used natural ingredients from plants and such.  I will say I'm not sure if their inks are safer or different than pigmented inks we use here in the states...I'm sure they are manufactured differently and we have many colors of the rainbow, some look almost unnatural.  I could be way off, but their life expectancy is less...and do we know why?  Who knows?
I may be more confused now, but I'm gathering that when it comes to cancer, we may have herietary tendencies, in our genes, fluke accidents, like I believe mine was, or we expose and put stuff into our bodies that do its toll.  Like using cheap gas or premium gas in your car.  Does it truly make it last longer? Does it prevent it from having issues or breaking down?  The only way to truly know that answer is to have 2 exactly the same cars drive in the same places, get the same work done to them, and use one with unleaded and one super plus gasoline, and who can do that?
It's late, I'm tired, I've been up thinking about this for a few hours.  Ultimately, I fear what we do to our bodies is cumulative, and I wish my stupid self took note of that a long time ago.
We can't go back in time, but we can try our best today.

Make it count, don't worry too much, but live your life fully.