A child's prediction

I just remembered a thought I had when I was a little girl.  I think I was in the fourth or fifth grade, and both of my grandfathers had already died from different cancers.  My aunt was battling cancer, as well. 
I remember noticing one day that both my grandfathers had blue eyes.  My aunt also had blue eyes.  I had blue eyes.  No one else in our family had blue eyes...that I could think of.  I remember really investigating this, I think it was a holiday dinner at grandmas, where everyone, all my cousins and aunts and uncles were.  I remember looking at everyone.  Checking out their eyes.


It sounds funny, but I was serious.  I can't believe I forgot all about this.  I was convinced there was a link between cancer and blue eyes.  I also was convinced I was going to get cancer, because it ran in my family (those who had blue eyes). 

One Year Anniversary...oh how my life has changed!

One year ago today, I went to Urgent Care thinking I had the flu and was a bit anemic.  Instead, I was informed (bluntly) I had leukemia with only days to live, and an ambulance rushed me to a hospital in Chicago.  I spent 5 weeks in the same hospital room.  I had my gallbladder removed a couple days later, a hickman port installed in my chest with three tubes hanging out of it.  I lived attached to an IV that went with me everywhere.  I lost my hair.  I got used to vomiting (often).  I went from a probiotic and multivitamin every morning to over 10 pills with breakfast alone.  I experienced chemotherapy (a lot of it).  I found out what health insurance really is and what they cover.  I learned to fight for myself.  I learned that the drug that saves me costs $5,000 out of pocket each month.  Yep.  I learned a lot.


But...

Today is the anniversary I got my life back.  I almost died, but the wonderful doctors and amazing nursing staff saved my life.  This past year has been a gift.  I promised God one year ago today that I would make a difference in this world, and I wasn't ready to die.  I hope God knows I am trying to move in the right direction.  I've walked and raised money for the Humane Society.  I've walked for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  I've made cookies for others in chemo.   I've made cookies for a bake sale to help another person overwhelmed by medical issues and bills.  I've tried to be more helpful.  I care more about others than I ever did before.




This is only the beginning. 


I am happy to wake up each and every morning.  I love life and can't wait to get back to living!  I am committed to continue helping others through their own cancer story, as they heal so they can get back to living.


I am ever so grateful.

How can I make a difference?

I ponder that  question all the time.  I am always searching for a way to make my mark on the world.  What's wrong with me?


Yesterday, I had this thought about making a regular thing of delivering cookies to the chemo bar.   That's all.  I just want to make someone's day, and I know my cookies are good and can put a smile on someone's face.  Plus, it gives me an excuse to go visit and talk to everyone. But, then, I googled, "Cancer for Cookies" and "cookies for chemo".  I looked up other non-profits to see if there was anything local or if that name was available.  I suddenly in my head formed my own non-profit and visualized me baking cookies with others and delivering them all over the area...like a growing superstar of a corporation, holding fundraisers, recruiting volunteers, even having a silent auction!  I can't just be simple. 


Then, this morning, it kinda became clear, as I was in the middle state where you are just waking up, but still remember what you dreamt about five minutes earlier.  It dawned on me, that its not about making your mark in the world.  Its about helping.  Do I want to be "known" or "popular" or do I want to help another?  High school and popularity has been over with for twenty years, Lisa, hasn't it?  I wasn't popular then, but I wanted it so badly.  I think that craving never left.  I'm scared that craving never left and that's why I do what I do half the time. 


I realized I need to put this in perspective:
I don't want any awards and I'm not looking for praise for making cookies.
I really like to bake.
I like to feel like I am doing good and helping someone.
I am going through cancer, and I know what chemo feels like and what it does to you.
I can relate.
It makes me feel better to bake.
My cookies are pretty good.
Cookies are pretty inexpensive and well appreciated when you are in chemo for 3-6 hours at a time.


So, I just re-wired my brain.  Just now.  Yes, Lisa, you can make a difference and help others.  You will feel awesome about yourself, just by seeing the smiles of the other cancer patients when you drop off cookies.  Its not about the recognition.


See, that's it:  Its not about the recognition.  I think a lot of people do things for the recognition.  A charity run or walk...you get this tshirt...a show off item, so you can get recognized.  I raised money for jump rope for heart when I was younger-- I did it so I could hang out with my friends after school and get neat (krappy) prizes.  I didn't do it to help those with heart disease or heart research.  Nowadays, I donate and do things for the humane society because I firmly believe they are a good organization.  Frank came from there, and I used to volunteer there (years ago before I got frank).  Now, I try to drop off treats, food, blankets, and paper towels and such when there is a good sale to try to help them out when I can.  I don't do it for the recognition.  I do it because I love the animals and I hate seeing these dogs and cats homeless and in cages.  I do it because I want those animals to have a good treat or toy or blankie all their own until they get a great home.


We all have something we care deeply about.  Everyone can make a difference in their own way.  Isn't that what social responsibility is?  Not just recycling and upcycling and being environmentally conscious, but also being morally uplifting?  I don't want to call it anything other than that.  Morally uplifting. 

Zach Sobiech: Clouds

Shortly after I came home from my initial stay at the hospital for my cancer, did I run into a youtube video (as I did nothing but sleep and lay around when I was neutropenic) from Soul Pancake about Zach Sobiech. 
Here is a teenage boy, full of life, while at the same time dying from cancer.  I watch this video all the time.  I wanted to share it on my blog for those that haven't seen it.  The song, "Clouds", was written by Zach and his friend and it is beautiful and comes into my head now and then still.
I can't do his story any justice except to mention it has inspired me to survive and be thankful beyond words. 
Enjoy!

Remember, love is all you need!

Toxic Biology Indiegogo campaign #toxicbiology #indiegogo

This morning, I woke to a comment on google/blogger that peaked my interest. 


http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/toxic-biology




I don't want to say I'm endorsing the campaign.  However, I watched it and realized something:  Everyone who has cancer has a story.  Each story is different.


My cancer kills 7-14 days after it begins.  Kills.  There is no time to think about second opinions.  No time to think about going to work the next day.  No time to research alternative medicines.  People before the 1980s who had APL died.  They died quickly thinking they had the flu or miserable, hooked up to tubes inserting chemo that doctors knew would not work, instead just buy a small window of time.