I just remembered a thought I had when I was a little girl. I think I was in the fourth or fifth grade, and both of my grandfathers had already died from different cancers. My aunt was battling cancer, as well.
I remember noticing one day that both my grandfathers had blue eyes. My aunt also had blue eyes. I had blue eyes. No one else in our family had blue eyes...that I could think of. I remember really investigating this, I think it was a holiday dinner at grandmas, where everyone, all my cousins and aunts and uncles were. I remember looking at everyone. Checking out their eyes.
It sounds funny, but I was serious. I can't believe I forgot all about this. I was convinced there was a link between cancer and blue eyes. I also was convinced I was going to get cancer, because it ran in my family (those who had blue eyes).
I just remembered this thought today. Watching the rain fall, watching my dog sleep and dream and batter his ears and bark in his sleep. I knew, when I was a kid, I was going to get cancer. At the time, I didn't even know there were different types of cancers. You had cancer meant you were very sick and most likely would die. The only people I knew that had cancer had blue eyes.
Here I am, sitting, typing this, crying a bit, because I was okay with this information when I was a child. I knew my findings were scientific and I was the one who would get it. It didn't bother me then. You think it would, but it didn't. Now, facing obstacles of maintaining health and staying in remission is more scary than anything out there. Thinking I might have to endure this again at some point is heartbreaking.
I need the strength and will and brevity of that little girl. I need it now.
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