The nightmares continue

I assume anyone with a tragic illness, something brought on suddenly, can relate to today's story.


I still have nightmares. 


A lot.


I sometimes wake up in the night, covered in sweat, like last night, confused and still separating parts of my dream from reality.  I thought I was wrapped in cold, wet lettuce leaves.  I was sweating in blankets in my bed, but it was that hazy moment when your dreams and waking up combine.  I was reading a magazine, Organic Gardening, last night, right before bed.  Last year at this time, I couldn't even leave the house.  I was neutropenic.  I couldn't eat raw food.  I couldn't garden last summer. 


I am hell-bent on gardening this year.  But, the fears of eating raw food are always with me.  The fear of listeria, a bacteria that doesn't go away from washing and rinsing your food alone.  Its obviously a big fear that still comes out in my dreams.  I'm still scared if I go back to work while on my chemo pills I will get sick again, and this time even worse than the last time.


Its hard facing our fears.  Its hard to live again, even though we so desperately need and want it.  I feel like a little child scared to get in the water.  I want to play, but I'm scared to learn to swim.


Any thoughts?  Stories about your fears with cancer?  Please share!

Love for Lorin | Medical Expenses - YouCaring.com

Here is Lorin, a teenager fighting a rare type of sarcoma (cancer). 




Please visit his family's support page and help if you can.  Anyone that has gone through a terrible illness (like cancer) knows the ridiculously high costs involved (even if you have insurance).  Even $10 and a note of support will help. 




Individually, it doesn't take much to collectively make a huge difference in someone's life. 

Support Lorin and family if you can.  If you can't, please pass on and share the link to the fundraising page!










Love for Lorin | Medical Expenses - YouCaring.com

A child's prediction

I just remembered a thought I had when I was a little girl.  I think I was in the fourth or fifth grade, and both of my grandfathers had already died from different cancers.  My aunt was battling cancer, as well. 
I remember noticing one day that both my grandfathers had blue eyes.  My aunt also had blue eyes.  I had blue eyes.  No one else in our family had blue eyes...that I could think of.  I remember really investigating this, I think it was a holiday dinner at grandmas, where everyone, all my cousins and aunts and uncles were.  I remember looking at everyone.  Checking out their eyes.


It sounds funny, but I was serious.  I can't believe I forgot all about this.  I was convinced there was a link between cancer and blue eyes.  I also was convinced I was going to get cancer, because it ran in my family (those who had blue eyes). 

One Year Anniversary...oh how my life has changed!

One year ago today, I went to Urgent Care thinking I had the flu and was a bit anemic.  Instead, I was informed (bluntly) I had leukemia with only days to live, and an ambulance rushed me to a hospital in Chicago.  I spent 5 weeks in the same hospital room.  I had my gallbladder removed a couple days later, a hickman port installed in my chest with three tubes hanging out of it.  I lived attached to an IV that went with me everywhere.  I lost my hair.  I got used to vomiting (often).  I went from a probiotic and multivitamin every morning to over 10 pills with breakfast alone.  I experienced chemotherapy (a lot of it).  I found out what health insurance really is and what they cover.  I learned to fight for myself.  I learned that the drug that saves me costs $5,000 out of pocket each month.  Yep.  I learned a lot.


But...

Today is the anniversary I got my life back.  I almost died, but the wonderful doctors and amazing nursing staff saved my life.  This past year has been a gift.  I promised God one year ago today that I would make a difference in this world, and I wasn't ready to die.  I hope God knows I am trying to move in the right direction.  I've walked and raised money for the Humane Society.  I've walked for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  I've made cookies for others in chemo.   I've made cookies for a bake sale to help another person overwhelmed by medical issues and bills.  I've tried to be more helpful.  I care more about others than I ever did before.




This is only the beginning. 


I am happy to wake up each and every morning.  I love life and can't wait to get back to living!  I am committed to continue helping others through their own cancer story, as they heal so they can get back to living.


I am ever so grateful.

How can I make a difference?

I ponder that  question all the time.  I am always searching for a way to make my mark on the world.  What's wrong with me?


Yesterday, I had this thought about making a regular thing of delivering cookies to the chemo bar.   That's all.  I just want to make someone's day, and I know my cookies are good and can put a smile on someone's face.  Plus, it gives me an excuse to go visit and talk to everyone. But, then, I googled, "Cancer for Cookies" and "cookies for chemo".  I looked up other non-profits to see if there was anything local or if that name was available.  I suddenly in my head formed my own non-profit and visualized me baking cookies with others and delivering them all over the area...like a growing superstar of a corporation, holding fundraisers, recruiting volunteers, even having a silent auction!  I can't just be simple. 


Then, this morning, it kinda became clear, as I was in the middle state where you are just waking up, but still remember what you dreamt about five minutes earlier.  It dawned on me, that its not about making your mark in the world.  Its about helping.  Do I want to be "known" or "popular" or do I want to help another?  High school and popularity has been over with for twenty years, Lisa, hasn't it?  I wasn't popular then, but I wanted it so badly.  I think that craving never left.  I'm scared that craving never left and that's why I do what I do half the time. 


I realized I need to put this in perspective:
I don't want any awards and I'm not looking for praise for making cookies.
I really like to bake.
I like to feel like I am doing good and helping someone.
I am going through cancer, and I know what chemo feels like and what it does to you.
I can relate.
It makes me feel better to bake.
My cookies are pretty good.
Cookies are pretty inexpensive and well appreciated when you are in chemo for 3-6 hours at a time.


So, I just re-wired my brain.  Just now.  Yes, Lisa, you can make a difference and help others.  You will feel awesome about yourself, just by seeing the smiles of the other cancer patients when you drop off cookies.  Its not about the recognition.


See, that's it:  Its not about the recognition.  I think a lot of people do things for the recognition.  A charity run or walk...you get this tshirt...a show off item, so you can get recognized.  I raised money for jump rope for heart when I was younger-- I did it so I could hang out with my friends after school and get neat (krappy) prizes.  I didn't do it to help those with heart disease or heart research.  Nowadays, I donate and do things for the humane society because I firmly believe they are a good organization.  Frank came from there, and I used to volunteer there (years ago before I got frank).  Now, I try to drop off treats, food, blankets, and paper towels and such when there is a good sale to try to help them out when I can.  I don't do it for the recognition.  I do it because I love the animals and I hate seeing these dogs and cats homeless and in cages.  I do it because I want those animals to have a good treat or toy or blankie all their own until they get a great home.


We all have something we care deeply about.  Everyone can make a difference in their own way.  Isn't that what social responsibility is?  Not just recycling and upcycling and being environmentally conscious, but also being morally uplifting?  I don't want to call it anything other than that.  Morally uplifting.