Saturday, August 31, 2013

Being Human

The past few days I have been neutropenic, which means I have very little white blood cells.  White blood cells fight disease and keep us healthy.  I have none, so I can't leave the house.  In fact, I have been a bit low on everything...platelets, hemoglobin, and white blood cells.  How does this affect my body?  I feel very tired, a bit weak, and shaky in my legs if I am standing too long.  I can't really walk or even go outside.  I wear a mask when anyone comes over to let my dog out potty.  It sucks.

Well, since I have been neutropenic, I started watching Being Human, a BBC show.  I am lying on the bed watching tv in a marathon style fashion.  I have gotten through the first two seasons and am in the middle of the third season right now.  This show is about a ghost, werewolf, and a vampire all living together, trying to be "human".  They yearn for normality.  I can relate.  I haven't felt normal since February, the day everything happened.

Actually, I almost feel like the girl I was died that day.  I feel like I am not the same person, not the same me I was.  I wish I could say this was a good thing, and I'm stronger and yada yada yada, but I can't.  Sure, I feel stronger, but I feel like I don't know myself that much anymore.  I feel out of sorts.  Can anyone with a life changing illness relate?  Have you had cancer of any type and felt just not the same afterwords?  Please, please share.  I want so much to return to normal, but  I don't know if my brain will work the same anymore.  I don't know if I will be the same anymore.  Part of me fears taking any vitamin, getting even a papercut, going somewhere alone.  Part of me can't wait to get back to work, buy my own groceries again, bake some bread, go through my things and get rid of the clutter in my life I held onto for no reason at all.  Things that were important before cancer just aren't anything to think about now.  Priorities changed in an instant.

No comments:

Post a Comment