Thursday, November 3, 2016

What happens when we die?

I am having a terrible time dealing with what happens when we die.  Lately, it just seems to be something I keep thinking about.  I wish we knew.  I wish it was easy...we go here, there...somewhere.  We continue to exist.  My fears grow every day that we no longer exist and I don't exist...I can't imagine it no matter how hard I try. 
I can't imagine not existing.  I can't imagine being no longer my soul, if that makes sense. 

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Dental issues after cancer

Yep.  It can happen.
It is happening to me.

Last night, my mom asked if it was from the cancer, chemo, or just from my genes/oral hygiene.  I have a feeling its a combo of all of that.
But, can I express that I had daily chemo and lots of it...both IV and orally.  During that time, I used a sponge or a baby toothbrush (no joke) and could not floss or use listerine.  I only used Biotene when I could tolerate the taste (let's make that another topic for another day).  The chemo's main goal was to kill off my blood production so my bone marrow would reset, so to speak.  I would stop making platelets, hemoglobins, and especially we wanted my ANC to drop to as close to zero as possible.  I really feel this played a big part in my dental issues today.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Hits out of nowhere

Woke up this morning feeling like crap.  A cold is coming on quick. Last night, I woke up and felt like something hard was in my throat, and I just couldn't clear it.  It hurt and my sinuses feel full.

This morning, my eyes are watery, don't want to stay open, and I am exhausted.

My head is a bit achy, I'm sniffling and blowing my nose.

This is not good.

I can't get sick.  I'm not up for another month of being sick.

Everyone always asks about my numbers, because "my numbers" were an important gauge on my health at the time.  Guess what?  My numbers have been stellar for quite some time.  However, just because I have a decent white count, it doesn't mean they know what to do!  I feel like my immune system is there, but they are loafers...just not working like they should!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Stay Strong, Shannen Doherty, many of us know exactly what you are going through.

http://www.today.com/health/shannen-doherty-s-breast-cancer-has-spread-unknown-scariest-part-t101358

The article popped in my feed on Facebook and Yahoo! the last few days.  Shannen Doherty has breast cancer, and the pictures of her losing her hair, looking fragile and thin, and the worst news for anyone...the cancer has spread.

Its all over ET (Entertainment News), Yahoo! Bing, MSN, Today.com, facebook, twitter, and GMA (Good Morning America).  The sad thing is I was in high school when Beverly Hills, 90210 made its way into pop culture.  I was a freshman, with long dark brown straight hair and blunt bangs.  I had big plump lips and big eyebrows.  I felt like Brenda Walsh...in a new world...high school in Northwest Indiana in 1990.  Life was good and everything was new.  The digital age was coming, and nintendo and Sega Genesis were all the rage.  MTV still showed music videos (well, now we will have Classic MTV soon, right?).
I grew up with Brenda Walsh and then I became an adult while Shannen played on Charmed.  People my age can relate.  I fought leukemia, so I can relate on another level.

My heart goes out to not just Shannen, but her family as well. My heart goes to everyone who has been affected by cancer.  Family, friends, patients, caregivers...

In fact, today, I talked to my good friend, Sonda.  She is wonderful, we met when we both worked for the same real estate company, practically ten years years ago.  Today, Sonda has her own daycare she runs.  She is passionate about life, God, and her family...and I feel the same, so today was a great day, because I got to talk to my friend, whom I adore.
She reminded me to trust God, he got me this far.  He blessed me so many times, why would he have me go through all I went through with my leukemia, just to let me get trapped up in my own fears...the fears of relapse, the unknown, other health issues, more cancer...you name it...why would that be?  She is right.  I hold a fear of the unknown very strongly...and it keeps me from doing even greater things in my life.

That has to stop today.  I need to put that fear aside and become fearless.

Suck it up, buttercup!  

PS
Shannen: If you read this, hang in there!  It's not fun, regardless of what type of cancer you have--- chemo every day like me or once every week or two weeks...it sucks and we are not ourselves, but we are in warrior training through it.  I feel its like a conscious coma, we are going through the actions, we know what's going on, but its surreal and when its done, you won't think it was that bad.  What happens to our bodies makes us think we are experiments--- that we pay for.  Insurance companies are headaches and nightmares that we think about daily.  We miss a lot and we feel like a dish in the china cabinet everyone is afraid to touch----like we might break.  People you love will be scared to come near you or even touch you....why, for various reasons.  Don't let that break you--- be strong, be you.  You are not alone, and you will get through it.

Saturday, July 30, 2016


sometimes we all need a little inspiration!

Have a great day, and be sure to be unstoppable in all you do!