Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The nightmares continue

I assume anyone with a tragic illness, something brought on suddenly, can relate to today's story.

I still have nightmares. 

A lot.

I sometimes wake up in the night, covered in sweat, like last night, confused and still separating parts of my dream from reality.  I thought I was wrapped in cold, wet lettuce leaves.  I was sweating in blankets in my bed, but it was that hazy moment when your dreams and waking up combine.  I was reading a magazine, Organic Gardening, last night, right before bed.  Last year at this time, I couldn't even leave the house.  I was neutropenic.  I couldn't eat raw food.  I couldn't garden last summer. 

I am hell-bent on gardening this year.  But, the fears of eating raw food are always with me.  The fear of listeria, a bacteria that doesn't go away from washing and rinsing your food alone.  Its obviously a big fear that still comes out in my dreams.  I'm still scared if I go back to work while on my chemo pills I will get sick again, and this time even worse than the last time.

Its hard facing our fears.  Its hard to live again, even though we so desperately need and want it.  I feel like a little child scared to get in the water.  I want to play, but I'm scared to learn to swim.

Any thoughts?  Stories about your fears with cancer?  Please share!

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